I am in a vortex of obligation.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
