Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
