i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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