Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
