i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
