I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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