so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
