I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
