Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
