Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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