Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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