i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
