I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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