Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
