If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
