Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
