Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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