I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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