so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
