just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
