i used baking grease as lip gloss
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
