The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
