Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
