Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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