the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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