So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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