i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
