I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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