I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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