I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just want to make out with him forever
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
