So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
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