I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
