Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
