he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
