You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
