if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So squirting runs in the family.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize