I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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