It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
