Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
