It was confusing and full of hummus
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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