The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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