Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
