Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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