I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
