1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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