I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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