Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
