you would pick up someone in the library
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
