Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
