There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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