You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
so much tequila, so little girl.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
