All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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