if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
