got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
