I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
