The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize