I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
