His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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