Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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