Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
