don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
